fuck ‘em, fuck ‘em all, i’m going to shave my head next year, i think i should do it before the braces come off, i’m doing so much stuff, i don’t have to be perfect, i don’t have to be balanced, i don’t have to be paranoid either, and i don’t have to care about something just because someone else does, it takes so much time, it pulls focus away from. it pulls my focus. people care about so many things that don’t matter, it’s a maze, it’s a trap. cling to your perfect little perfect little lives now, when you are dying you will be terrified and furious. i’m never surprised anymore when i encounter total idiocy, total lack of consideration, it’s a problem, i’m never surprised, they will never get it, they may never get it.
i might 501c3. i’m thinking about that.
i forgot about a meeting, everything went wrong, i can do better, i don’t have to be perfect. confidence just means lying to yourself, just keep lying to yourself. listening to fairytales and ignoring the void. it’s there, assholes. i do have to act on what i care about, and it’s so hard to see or acknowledge that when there’s so much bullshit and i’m 34. i don’t want to work for someone else. i want to work for me. i want to work for what i believe in. i want to shave my head because my hair is falling out and i don’t want to have to hide that. i don’t want to hide anything. i don’t want to have to be pretty. i want to shave it and wear a tshirt that says “ASK ME ABOUT MY EPISIOTOMY.”
i come from people who are scared to do anything, scared to fail, scared to disappoint, and fuck that, and fuck you stress dreams, and fuck you to rigid pre-determined ideologies. i will likely flail and smash things on the way to getting my shit done and if i fail i will fail big but i will grow and i will become something and i will change and i’m done. eat my torn up vagina I’M OUT.